J & D.
April 20, 2010
It’s heartbreaking to think about all the possibilities, options, consequences and any other variable in this ginormous binomial equation of love.
Because we all change. We all try to be different, and yet we try so hard to keep ourselves the way we are.
It’s heartbreaking to think about everything at once. Nothing gets done, nothing gets said, nothing changes. You just feel sadder, angrier, and more hurt than before.
He wanted to be a romantic. A manly macho guy who planned to be spontaneous and charming. He learnt his style from sources. He learnt new things and they immediately became his favourites. He was so sure he had found the princess in his fairy tale, he was so ready to hold onto it, and it only.
She wanted the world. She wanted to look like all those gorgeous people in spreads and ads, and she wanted to be successful and earn her own right in this world. She can’t bear the thought of having anything less than what she’d expected, because all her life she had been her best, and it had paid off. It’s almost as if, if she didn’t do her best, she would have failed at life. But what’s really happening is that because she hasn’t fallen before, she’s more fragile than anyone would expect. And nobody, not even he, can understand her because of this fragility.
She can’t control herself. She splits herself into two, and its difficult to control either sides. She wants to be successful, and active, and reach deep into her career prospects and pull out the richest part of it. She wants better, and she knows she can be. But the other her is a letdown, and is sadly a majority of her mind. She is sensitive to everything, and feels everything in the words of people, in their actions, and in their behaviour. It hurts to look at the way people treat each other, and she can’t stand it. She can’t stand herself. She hates herself.
And she’s madly in love with this boy (man, guy, whatever you wish to call him) and strongly believes in spending as many more days with him as possible. She’s got this strange feeling, like it’s all going to end soon, and the dream will be over, and she’ll have to wake up. But because of all her insecurities (and the fact that she can’t articulate them to people) she’s losing grip of this beautiful, wonderful boy, who isn’t ready to settle down, who isn’t ready to pull himself into her picture 100%. She knows this, and it breaks her heart.
